What I Wish I Knew Then
Sitting here, typing this post, I did not know how to start my introduction.
Now though? All I can say or think is “would I have gone down the road I did if I had known the full reality and consequences of having an eating disorder, both the horrific aspects as well as the side over the rainbow?”
I’ve gone through a lot of the facts given to me in my head throughout the years and I know years ago, there was a lack and gap of information on eating disorders. When I developed an eating disorder, in the 90’s (Oh my gosh, that makes me feel old!), all we learned about was: dangerously underweight teen girls who wanted to be thin, who wanted attention, girls who come from rich families and have the utmost pressures put on them, it was a vanity issue… all of the stereotypical information you probably hear today.
Looking back, I wish there was more emphasis and information on not only the long-term complications from years of self destruction, but the other side- the side that can come after suffering a long battle that one only tries to comprehend.
The information that I was told, stuck with me, even if I didn’t believe it would happen to me. I am not sure if this is why the long-term effects of eating disorders were not bothered with, because I would not listen, or if there just wasn’t enough research done at the time. Or it could be a mixture of both.
Regardless, I think it is so important for sufferers to know that it doesn’t matter how long you suffer, or how severe the behaviors you are using are (purging, restricting, exercising, etc), you can permanently damage your body in the long run.
More importantly, I wish we were educated on the life ‘over the rainbow’. It is called recovery.
I developed in eating disorder at 12 years old. By the time I was 14, my family found out. However, it wasn’t until 10 years or so after the fact that I realized there was some issue. Maybe depression or anxiety. When I stepped into the office of my first therapy appointment (that I had made), little did I know my life would forever change.
Going into that appointment, I did not know what would arise. But, I most certainly was not expecting to get diagnosed with bulimia. When I was told I had an eating disorder, I was in denial. At the same time though, I thought by going to weekly therapy, doctor, and nutrition appointments all of these thoughts in my head would come to a halt. It would all stop and I would move on.
One weekly appointment turned into a year of weekly appointments and I still wondered why I was still purging and struggling with this demon inside my head. I was so closed off. So numb. I did not know what to think. If I had an eating disorder, what was its ‘opposite.’ To every bad, there was good. To every high, there was low. Sick and healthy. Cold and hot.
It seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
What would come after suffering from an eating disorder?
After a year of constant appointments, I was being pushed to attend a partial hospitalization program. When I thought “why am I going to this program?” My honest to God answer “eat and not puke.”
The doctor told me “Just go to this program for five weeks and that should be enough time. Then you can return to school.”
Was this program going to fix me?
I did not think that I would emotionally feel better by going to this program because I did not see how my eating disorder connected to my emotions. And I was most certainly not prepared to see my life unravel so rapidly.
Nobody ever talked about this foreign word RECOVERY. What IS recovery? What does it look like? How does this all tie together? I AM SO CONFUSED!
All I heard about when it came to eating disorders was you stop or you die. But if you stopped, you did not hear the term recovery. Girls went to hospitals to gain weight and then they were discharged- miraculously ‘better’.
What I wished someone told me
If you seek help for an eating disorder, find a licensed professional who specializes in eating disorders. General practitioners (most, anyway), health coachers, personal trainers, and others in the health field are NOT equipped to treat a serious psychiatric condition. Make sure the professionals are seeking treatment from are following evidence-based practice (eg. CBT, DBT).
One day will not make or break your recovery. One slip (one time purging, for example) does not mean you are in a full blown relapse. It is an indication that you may be headed for a slippery slope. Know your signs that you may be on a path to relapsing. This chart is useful [found on Pinterest].
One day, one meal will not change your weight. Recovery is not all or nothing, black or white. Although, it generally seems this way. Something I ask myself, “is this choice/meal/etc. going to make a difference in my life five years down the road? That one day, or that one slip- reflect on it and learn from it, but do not dwell on it or you will drive yourself crazy! Here is a little story.I spent seven months in treatment facilities (PHP/Residential) my first round of treatment as there were quite a few. After being discharged, I had a difficult meal with my friends and purged afterward. I went to my dietician the next day sobbing that I relapsed and had to go back to treatment. I did NOT relapse. I had a slip. I asked for help and moved forward. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
Speak out. Everyone has a story. My little blog and my Instagram have been so influential in my recovery. It made me realize I am not alone. It helped me stay accountable. I have met some wonderful people. You don’t have to talk about your eating disorder. When I first started my Instagram- I had NO intent whatsoever to go public about my mental illnesses, but it has been one of the best decisions I have made. You never know who is visiting your social media. Some of the individuals I have met have been my biggest inspirations.
No matter how despondent you may feel, no feelings are bad. Wherever you are in life, or in your recovery is a process and it is not a linear one. Do not be embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. People care. You are so loved!
I hope ya’ll know there is another side to an eating disorder. It IS possible to recover. It may be difficult and downright painful, but I promise you- recovery is beautiful.
What does recovery mean for you?
Kelly is an active member of the online eating disorder recovery community.
You can find her blog here